Boundaries
" You can be a good person with a kind heart and still say no"
HI Friend!
You've likely heard the term 'personal boundaries,' but may be unclear about what they are or how to establish them. This blog post will explore personal boundaries, providing examples and insights to help you understand and implement them effectively.
Have you ever wanted to be more assertive in your relationships? Do you often feel like you don’t have a voice but that being quiet and not speaking up hurts people who care about you?
Personal Boundaries
Personal boundaries are a vital part of self-care. They ensure you can make yourself heard and have the space and time to care for yourself. Personal boundaries are essential for protecting your well-being. By setting clear boundaries, you can prevent future hurt, avoid toxic relationships, and cultivate a sense of peace and ease in your life. Healthy boundaries help maintain appropriate distance, preventing others from overstepping your limits. Conversely, poor boundaries can lead to confusion, anger, self-esteem issues, and damaged relationships.
While setting boundaries is crucial for healthy relationships, it can be challenging. Understanding the types of boundaries that are right for you is essential for maintaining your physical, emotional, and mental health.
Different Types of Personal Boundaries
Let’s look at some examples of different boundaries and what they may look like in different scenarios:
1. Emotional Boundaries- Emotional boundaries are about what you allow yourself to feel, think and experience emotionally. It is one of the most critical aspects of your life because it influences everything else. If you don’t have good emotional boundaries, your life will be out of balance, and you won’t be able to experience happiness or fulfilment in your relationships or at work. You’ll also risk being forced to clamp down on your emotions and bear other people’s emotional burdens. You can’t stay in a relationship if you’re not emotionally safe.
Emotional boundaries mean taking care of yourself or loving yourself first and foremost in any relationship. It does not translate to selfishness; instead, it means that you love yourself enough not to settle for less than what you deserve. And if you create healthy emotional boundaries, you’ll also be able to make healthy decisions that will be good for the parties involved in the relationship.
Emotional boundaries involve communicating your needs at various points to the other person to ensure you are heard and treated accordingly. It does not matter if you had previously consented to certain decisions; emotional boundaries mean reserving the right to make new decisions that concern you and not being made to feel bad about it.
To set good emotional boundaries, you have to identify the emotions you are comfortable with. You should also be able to express these feelings respectfully without worrying about how others will respond to them or if your choices would hurt them.
You don’t need to be rude or insulting, but you have a right to say “no”- and by the way, NO is a complete sentence. You can always set a boundary by saying” “I don’t feel comfortable doing this” or “I know I agreed to that before, but I’ve had a change of heart, and I don’t think it’s the best decision for me anymore.”
2. Physical Boundaries: Physical boundaries define what you allow others to do in your personal space. They establish the limits of physical proximity and contact. Physical boundaries can be communicated through verbal cues, body language, or physical barriers. Physical boundaries are the most obvious and are easy to understand. They are the barriers you put up that others can perceive with their physical senses, for example, what they can see or touch.
You can set physical boundaries by saying “no” and giving physical cues that communicate your preferences. For example:
1. “No, I don’t want to dance with you.”
2. “No, I don’t want to hold my arms up like this.”
3. “I am not comfortable with you touching me while you speak.”
4. “I’d prefer if you moved back while you demonstrate what you’re trying to show me.”
Physical boundaries are the most obvious and are easy to understand.
3. Verbal Boundaries: Verbal boundaries are one of the most common types of boundaries we set. They are easy to communicate and understand, making them a crucial tool for protecting our personal space and expressing our preferences. Verbal boundaries can be used in various situations to clarify our expectations and ensure our needs are met.
Unlike an emotional boundary that may be misinterpreted or misunderstood, a verbal boundary is more straightforward and cannot be easily mistaken unless clear communication is absent.
Verbal boundaries are straightforward and usually include the following:
1. “No.” – This is an explicit denial. It’s one word, and it’s easy to understand. When you say this to someone, they should not want anything else from you.
2. “Yes.” – This is an explicit acceptance. When you say this to someone, it communicates your desire to be involved in what they are asking.
3. “Maybe.” – This clearly shows conflict. When you say this to someone, you are uncertain about a decision. Ideally, you should be given time to make up your mind correctly. You should not be coerced to make a decision.
Other verbal boundaries are words or statements expressing your agreement, approval, disagreement, and disapproval in any given situation. For example, saying, “I am not comfortable with that nickname you call me, and I would prefer you call me by my name as everyone else does.”
The first step in setting personal boundaries is to be clear about what you want and need. This information is the basis for setting boundaries. Once you know what you want and feel comfortable with it, the next step is to establish a boundary that helps you achieve that goal.
4. Relationship boundaries: Setting boundaries in relationships is about defining what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior. This is particularly important with close relationships to prevent being taken for granted. By clearly communicating your boundaries, you ensure that your needs and preferences are respected.
5. Friendship boundaries: Friendship is a precious gift, but it thrives on respect and clear boundaries. Without well-defined boundaries, even the closest friendships can become strained. For instance, if you feel closer to one friend than another, it's perfectly acceptable to decline requests that make you uncomfortable. Open and honest communication about your boundaries is essential for maintaining healthy friendships.
6. Work boundaries: Boundaries include not accepting undue work outside your job description without accompanying compensation for it. This is because it can quickly be taken for granted and abused.
7. Time boundaries: Proper time management and discipline are examples of good boundaries to have with yourself. It can also mean respecting the time set for dates or events and being punctual as a form of respect to your hosts.
8. Family Boundaries : It is not uncommon to have close family members go beyond what you feel comfortable with, but it is often allowed because they’re family. However, setting up boundaries with your family involves communicating their actions or behaviors you’re uncomfortable with.
10. Personal space: Your personal boundary is significant to you; it is a space where you feel safe and protected. Therefore, set up boundaries in your personal space to ensure that only those you allow can access it.
11. Social space and events : Social spaces or events are very public and can feel very open. An excellent personal boundary is interacting where you feel comfortable and the ability to choose not to interact if you are uncomfortable with it.
Personal boundaries are a way to control your life favorably. They allow you to say no when you don’t feel comfortable and yes when you do.
They help us set boundaries in our relationships and friendships so that we are not taken advantage of or neglected. The best thing about personal boundaries is that they can be changed over time! So if you realize that your limits aren’t as straightforward as they used to be, then it’s time for you to change them!
As you create boundaries for yourself, it is important to also be conscious of the boundaries of other people around you and respect them. If you expect your boundaries to be respected, you must also respect other people’s boundaries. Remember, respect is reciprocal!
XO Jenna
